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Entry to the Five Things November Challenge 2011 on the[info]bmm_drabbles community.

Title: Five times Ennis couldn’t say it and the one time when he could
Author: tracionn
Beta: The wonderful [info]bcatjr who not only offered her help incredibly quickly – and without even knowing me - but also betaed incredibly quickly, as well as tremendously thorough. She ‘edited the hell out of me’ and my gratefulness knows no limits. That you don’t stumble and stagger over every other sentence here is her credit alone and I ain’t kidding.
I came to think of her as a co-author actually.
Genre: canon(~ish; I think of them as to be together forever after the sixth of my texts, but it all fits into canon either way.)
Rating: NC 17
Word count: 3179
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis are Annie Proulx’ characters and I’m fully aware of that.
A/N: This is my first BBM writing in English and I like being part of the fandom very much. Just felt like saying it.

Five Times Ennis Couldn’t Say It and the One Time When He Could

1. Want 

Coming back after a long day up with the sheep, Jack dismounts from his horse. Ennis grabs him from behind and presses himself firmly against him. Jack gasps for air, surprised—and as much—delighted. Ennis wants Jack to understand just where his intentions lie. He had already been waiting way too long for Jack’s return. 
 
Jack is glad the horse is still there to steady him. But then he’s suddenly pushed away and all body contact ends. Before he can wonder, he catches Ennis saying in a husky voice, “Go an’ eat. Hurry.”
 
Jack stumbles to the fireplace to do as he is told, while Ennis goes off to take care of the horse.
 
Coming back and seeing that Jack has finished eating, Ennis kneels down and grabs Jack again from behind, making sure Jack feels the bulge in his jeans, and then opens Jack’s shirt. His hands are roaming roughly over Jack’s chest, his wide, spread palms rubbing against Jack’s soft skin, setting Jack’s nipple afire each time he passes them. Ennis doesn’t show mercy though, knowing Jack’s groans are grown from pleasure, and feeling the manly body before him wriggle, brings himself inexplicable pleasure too.
 
“God, Ennis…,” Jack exclaims, bending his head back to offer his mouth to Ennis; an offer that is gladly taken. 
 
While their tongues duel and fuel both their inner fires, Ennis opens first his, and then Jack’s jeans, again feeling how equally hard their cocks are when they spring free. Ennis pushes Jack’s jeans far enough down to get access to his ass, but not far enough to grant Jack room to move as he might like.
 
Still holding Jack’s upper body firmly, Ennis lifts his hips and rubs his cock against Jack’s tight cleft, lingers there for a moment while their kisses deepen. After a few moments, Ennis breaks the kiss and pushes forward the tiniest bit, not quite fully entering, not entirely outside anymore either. Jack groans loudly and his head snaps back.
 
Ennis can feel Jack’s longing to intensify their connection, and whenever Jack presses back, Ennis won’t let him, keeping him in a place in-between, torturing him with expectation and desire.
 
“Jesus Christ…,” Jack hisses fervidly.
 
“Nah, just me here.”
 
Ennis penetrates Jack a little bit at a time, never quite entering Jack completely. Ennis knows that Jack is burning with want, that he desperately craves it. Ennis can feel Jack straining against him as he pulses in and out.
 
Ennis lets Jack fist his own cock, and when Ennis feels how Jack begins to touch himself,
he is burning as well, wanting to fuck Jack the way he needs to, but he makes himself wait, although his breaths quicken rapidly.
 
Jack strokes himself faster and faster. Ennis can tell his sweet torture is breaking Jack down, can feel that Jack is almost there. It’s intoxicating to him, the thought of Jack jerking himself off. He wants to see it, wants to store this memory away for a time when that might be the only thing he has left.
 
“Keep it up, bud. Touch ya, just don’t ya come yet,” he orders and tightens Jack’s hand on his throbbing cock.
 
“Damn, Ennis!” Jack croaks, “I gotta come, I canna wait no longer.”
 
“Waited the entire fuckin’ day for ya, ya can wait now.”
 
Jack whimpers, but he keeps stroking himself, his balls already wound up tighter then a spring. One hand on his cock, the other on Ennis’ thigh, he tries to control the flames inside his guts.
 
Ennis is filled with a sense of power that feeds his lust, and he knows his strong will won’t carry him much further. He keeps an eye on Jack’s hand fisting his cock and squeezes Jack’s nipples one last time to provoke yet another of those groans he’s come to want so much.
 
He then roughly grabs Jack’s ass cheeks, splays them apart with his thumbs and holds Jack open. Ennis anticipates the tightness and heat just two heartbeats away, and he grows even harder as his cock-head spreads Jack open even wider. Ennis is hardly aware of Jack’s incoherent utterings as he only hears the rush of his own blood inside him, urging him to go on, sending him on a journey he has never dreamed of before, and he has yet yearned so much for. 
 
“God, Jack, gonna fuck ya,…fuck ya good now,” he’s brave enough to say, then he does it.
 
With one hard thrust, he pushes deep into Jack and both of their cries are as attuned as their hearts have been since the day they met. This one stroke is all Ennis needs, as it is all Jack needs too, and their bodies quiver and shiver, Jack convulsing fiercely with the final relief. Ennis senses Jack’s twitches as his ass clenches tightly around his cock and Ennis doesn’t know the world anymore, only knows this feeling Jack gives him so freely, only senses Jack’s presence in him, around him, and through him. He can’t get enough of that, will never get enough of that as he comes inside Jack, marking him for all time, marking himself by this act too, wanting to always feel this lightness: this lightness as if he and Jack could own the heavens, wanting this, wanting him, and still knowing it could never be like this forever.
 
“Want ya, want ya…,” he moans, love ya, he thinks as he keeps exploding. When he finally collapses against Jack’s back, he’s not able to see the flutter of surrender that flares in Jack’s eyes.
 
 
2. Trust
 
A soft breeze runs over Ennis’ exposed skin and bare ass, bestowing upon him goose pimples. He draws in a breath, quivering not only from the cooler air, but from what is about to happen for the first time.
 
He’s scared to hell and thrilled at the same time, trying to keep his fear in check. He is willing to trust the man kneeling behind him, although he needs all his strength to do so. But he wants this, wants to know how this feels and why Jack needs this so much, why he gleamed with contentment each time Ennis fucked him that summer four years ago.
 
Even more so, he wants to know how it feels to be filled by him.

Jack’s kisses are now smoothing away his worries, his hands caressing away his tension. Jack’s fingers linger on Ennis’ asshole, and he suppresses a shudder and moans wantonly instead, even his cock indecisive about whether to stay hard or not. Jack pumps him a few times and all of Ennis’ thinking falls away too.
 
When one finger enters him, Ennis whispers, “Trust ya, bud. Still,” and thinks, love ya, still, and he doesn’t see the trace of awe shown in Jack’s eyes.
 
 
3. Need
 
Ennis got out of his truck and saw Jack awaiting him, saw him smiling that dazzling smile of his and knew his soul was home.
 
He smiled back, unable to respond in any other way, and long since giving up hope there was another way. Grabbing his few belongings he approached Jack. And with every step, his motions got lighter, and with every inch closer, his smile grew brighter.
 
The invisible, yet ever present weight that accompanied him in his daily life was still clouding and burdening him, but Ennis had been patiently taught that that weight would wither with Jack’s smiles, touches, and hushed words, would wither with each of their mornings, evenings, and nights spent together.
 
These weeks with Jack were the only times he had when the mass of doubts, shame and yearning he always carried around would cease to push him down and instead, vanish to a far corner of his mind. It was the only time he would feel a taste of the freedom he needed to go on living that harsh life in between, to feel alive and safe, a freedom only Jack could give him. Jack, who saw Ennis for who he really was, who wanted him for nothing less then that.
 
Not slowing his pace, Ennis crashed into Jack’s open arms and was immediately enclosed by them, made to feel welcomed and understood. It was still inconceivable to him that he, while he was being held that powerfully, felt like he would be flying, soaring through a heaven that was brought into being solely for him and Jack alone.
 
“Need ya…,” Ennis smiled, love ya, he only thought, as he buried his nose in Jack’s hair. He couldn’t see the flicker of hope glistening in Jack’s eyes.
 
 
4. Fury and hate
 
Friend, hope you’re doin’ good.
Salt River Range on the 19th then ?
Can’t wait.
Jack


Standing at the counter, Ennis feels his blood running cold. He swallows hard and clenches his fists to stop himself from shaking.
 
‘Can’t wait’ – Such an intimate phrase, such a private and dangerous one.
 
How dare he write something so obvious to him? What if Alma had picked up the card, what if the postal staff had read it, what if and what then?
 
His longing for Jack immediately mingles with anger, his joy at word from him immediately squelches with fury. Fuck, Twist!
 
Feeling his inner turmoil boiling up, he hurries to reply and to get out of there.
 
See ya there. E.
 
He scribbles and knows he should write more, should answer Jack’s “can’t wait” but he’s not able, not there in the post office, not in front of the people he has to face everyday, not in this place that suddenly seems way too close to their refuge in the wilderness.
 
He staggers outside, Jack’s postcard hidden within a newspaper he had bought only to have something to hide Jack’s postcard in. And yet does the small package feel like a burning piece of wood in his hand, and too hot to bear it; he’s tempted to throw it away, to let out a cry of desperation while doing so, because right now, desperation is all that fills him.
 
Keeping his head down, he’s too afraid to look anyone in the eyes, fearing to the bone even now that they can see what a freak he is, what a pervert he is, what he’s done with Jack and even wants to do again, will do again. His hat deep over his face, he silently gasps for air.
 
Images of Jack and the echoes of their days and weeks together resolutely invade his mind, washing over him like a wave that leaves no chance for escape.
 
He remembers: Jack’s moustache tickling his belly-button on his way lower, Jack’s fingers spreading his thighs and teasing his balls, Jack’s tongue playing with the slit on his cock, Jack muttering his name, muttering it with such devotion that Ennis’ heart was about to burst and is about to burst once again.
 
The harder he tries to push these images away, the harder they persist in staying with him, rekindling the fire in his groin that Jack had lighted during a summer so many years ago; a fire and a memory that makes him want to howl, and he fears he’s losing the little control he ever had over the reins right here right now, in the middle of his town.
 
He keeps on walking, just barely managing to take one step after another. He’s still staggering as he enters a bar and aims straight for the restrooms which are hardly more then a crate, but he doesn’t notice the stink and the dirt, only seeks the closest spot of privacy he can find. He slams the door shut and sinks down to his knees, his heavy lungs crying for the air he can’t give them. Banging his fists against the torn and cold tiles, once, twice, three, and then four and five times, he doesn’t see the blood on his hands until the pain sets in and distracts his guts long enough to finally grant him some shallow breaths.
 
Calming down only slightly, he looks around and is overcome with shame and distaste, and he blames Jack for everything he feels, for the desperation and the helplessness, the hunger too, and most of all for the sheer intensity of that…thing they’ve got going on between them. That thing that Jack drew him into, that thing that had become the need of his life and that yet threatens to destroy him.
 
“Hate ya, Twist, hate ya!” He curses and chokes when his head drops into his bloody hands, No no…didn’t mean it, sorry-so-sorry, don’t know a thing anymore, where ar’ya?, don’t-hate-ya-jack, can’t ever hate ya, love ya…love ya, he mouths soundlessly.
 
When Jack got the card, Ennis couldn’t see the measure of sorrow in Jack’s eyes that accompanied his frail smile.
 
 
5. Know
 
Being embraced tightly, Jack’s body leans back into Ennis’ open arms.
 
Ennis hears him sighing deeply, feels his body and mind relaxing and knows this is the moment when, in turn, Jack’s invisible burdens dissolve, the moment when Jack lets himself fall to be his and his alone.
 
Ennis inhales Jack’s scent, trails his nose along Jack’s cheek, kisses his temples and blows tenderly into his ear to be rewarded with a passionate trembling flowing through Jack’s body.
 
“Know ya…” Ennis breathes, love ya, he thinks but still can’t say. His eyes are closed, so he doesn’t see the glint of longing waiting behind Jack’s eyelids.
 

Being There for You

“What the hell.” Ennis startles awake and blinks sleepily around, searching for the source of what has disturbed his sleep.
 
Next to him, Jack lets out whimpers of torment and kicks at the ground obviously in pain.
Ennis has seen him like this before, not often, but too often for his liking. He knows the cramps come without warning, and they don’t always occur at night, but haunt Jack periodically.
 
It was seldom that Ennis saw his strong Jack struggling, but every time he did witness it, Ennis felt immediate compassion and a strange sense of protectiveness which left no room for hesitation. Suddenly wide awake, he turns to Jack and helps him what little he can.
 
It had taken years for Jack to finally explain to Ennis what the cramps and bad dreams were all about, and when he had, it had taken all of Ennis’ control to not lash out and smash something to pieces.
 
What he did was to listen instead.
 
Jack’s father had beaten him, and often severely, especially when his mother wasn’t home. One day he’d pushed Jack with such force against the heavy wooden kitchen table that his hip nearly broke, and from the continuing hits with the paddle on his back and butt, his body had never fully recovered. His dad hadn’t cared much about it.
 
Had a doctor been called right there and then, he might have been able to mend the fragile nerves that were damaged, but John C. Twist hadn’t called anyone and had left Jack on the kitchen floor, bleeding, cramping, and most terrifying, alone.
 
It was long before Jack had picked himself up and shuffled to his room, determined to not let anyone see his pain, least of all his dad. He never did get why his father would behave that way, but later in Jack’s life, he thought that his dad must have known what he was. Known it and despised him for it.
 
Now, when the cramps returned, they were always mixed up with the feeling of being left alone and the happenings in the kitchen, even when Jack knew he wasn’t that weak child anymore. The pain would inevitably take him back to that moment where he’d been weak in body and temporarily in mind once again, and he hated it, and yet he couldn’t do anything about it.
 
That first time Ennis had heard about it, rage had filled him, rage at the man who called himself father and was not one at all for what he had dared to bring Jack, just a boy then, an agony that was etched into him for a life time.
 
But Ennis had managed to sit still and listen, sensing that this hadn’t been a time for his rage, but a time for his understanding.
 
Time for understanding now again he figures, and it comes easily, almost naturally to him to give that to Jack. He wants to give that to Jack.
 
He reaches for Jack’s hip and starts massaging, hoping the cramp will ease up. He knows from Jack’s loud moans that he’s hurting and that hurts Ennis too. But he keeps on even when Jack’s hands are clenching the covers, the linen, everything they can get a hold of. Jack howls in pain, pain so aggressive that tears spills down his face. Ennis’s stomach tightens, but he doesn’t falter.
 
“Sorry, Ennis…shit!” Jack cries out and cringes when a new wave of pain hits him.
 
“It’s okay, bud, pain’ll be gone soon. ’S okay, I’m here, ain’t gonna leave ya,” Ennis says and moves in a bit closer. He runs his fingers over and over along Jack’s side in the most promising way he has learned in their years together; he doesn’t leave Jack’s side for a moment, not even as the hours pass by and the moon has set.
 
It had been around midnight when Jack had awakened— it was dawn now—and Ennis still holds and soothes him. The cramps are gone and most of the ache too, and Jack - tired and exhausted, but awake - lays in Ennis’ arms, his head pressed against Ennis’ chest, too sore to move. The lack of pain is finally a big relief and he shows a hint of a smile.
 
In the past, there had been nights when Jack had still felt flawed and ashamed, when he would stumble from the tent so as not to wake Ennis, when he feared he would be too much for Ennis, too complicated, too pansy. And shadows of that doubt and fright are still with him, and he’s never heard Ennis say it, although he knows that Ennis might have said it a thousand times over, he just hasn’t used the words for it.
 
Ennis… I do. He breathes out deeply and bends his head towards Ennis. “Thanks, cowboy. And…sorry again,” he says in a quiet voice.
“Hush, ‘s fine. Wanna be here for ya,” Ennis says softly and adds then, even softer and so quietly it’s just a whisper, “Love ya, ya know.”
 
But Jack hears the cautious whisper.
 
“Love ya, rodeo, love ya,” Ennis repeats and places a kiss on Jack’s forehead.
 
This time Ennis looks directly into Jack’s clear blue eyes and spots everything in them:  surrender, awe, hope, longing, and past sorrow.  And when Jack smiles fully at him, Ennis sees the most fulfilling emotion of them all – Jack’s love for him as well, entangled with sparks of pure and utter joy.
 

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
bcatjr
Nov. 27th, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)
\o/

I love it.
tracionn
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
*huggles tightly*
Thank you - again and again!
tracionn
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:49 pm (UTC)
PS:
They like it! I can't believe it and I'm smiling brighter then a kid in Disneyland right now :D

THANK YOU!
gwylliondream
Nov. 27th, 2011 07:28 pm (UTC)
Wow! This was fantastic! Hot and tender at the same time. And very satisfying to think that they could be together forever the way you ended it.

Great job!

(and yes, Bethie is a peach!)

XO
Donna
bcatjr
Nov. 27th, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
((hugs you tight))

how are you, Donna? Anything new of yours I can read?
gwylliondream
Dec. 1st, 2011 09:42 pm (UTC)
Try this:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/286526

I even mention Adam Lambert in it! LOL!

Hi tracionn, sorry for the hijack :)
tracionn
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you sooooo much! I was terribly nervous and am now very happy the story is liked and could cause such emotion in the reader. Thank you very very much for having left a feedback, it means a lot to me.

Love the guys.

(and yes, Bethie is a peach!)
Oh god, she is!!

eandj
Nov. 27th, 2011 07:43 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad Ennis finally said these words and more important- Jack finaly got to hear them
nice writing
I'm happy you posted this
love it
Paula
tracionn
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:44 pm (UTC)
*blush*
Thanx a million! Yes, although Ennis has felt it all the time and although Jack might have guessed it, it needed saying.
It took Ennis some time, hurtful for both of them, but the reward makes up for it :)

I'm very happy you left a comment to let me know you liked it, thank you.
(Deleted comment)
tracionn
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:48 pm (UTC)
*smiles brightly*
Aahh, thank you! You're very kind.
I'm extremely relieved I could transport the emotion and thoughts you described and yes, for me Ennis and Jack belong together forever!

I'm not sure about more writing, my English really isn't good enough fo that, but should I have an idea again that simply wants to be written I know I have bcatjr to ask again to beta.
So we'll see ;)

Thnx a lot for the feedback!!
sh_nisan
Nov. 28th, 2011 01:41 am (UTC)
It's wonderful! All, that I read.
"‘Can’t wait’ – Such an intimate phrase, such a private and dangerous one."
"Jack’s postcard hidden within a newspaper he had bought only to have something to hide Jack’s postcard in. And yet does the small package feel like a burning piece of wood in his hand, and too hot to bear it..."
"sorry-so-sorry, don’t know a thing anymore, where ar’ya?, don’t-hate-ya-jack, can’t ever hate ya, love ya…love ya..."
"“Hush, ‘s fine. Wanna be here for ya,” Ennis says softly and adds then, even softer and so quietly it’s just a whisper, “Love ya, ya know.”"
So much feelings and emotions! Thank you for the opportunity to see the happiness in Jack's eyes! And Ennis 'could'say about his feelings to Jack - it was so difficult for him, but it was worth of that.
Thank you!
tracionn
Nov. 28th, 2011 08:40 am (UTC)
Aaahhhhh, thank you!!!
I'm very very glad you like it and the quotes you picked are many of my favourite scenes too :)

So much feelings and emotions!
That's wonderful to hear because I wanted to have the reader feeling a lot of emotions. Thnx a million!

Thank you for the opportunity to see the happiness in Jack's eyes!
Oh, that's so sweet - thank YOU for sharing the love for them.


two_blue_stars
Nov. 30th, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
Wow. This was great. Very intense and gripping. I hope you write more.
tracionn
Nov. 30th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you very very much! You just made my day ^-^
I'm happy you were touched by it and I thank you for having told me you were!

I'm not sure if I'm gonna write more - I surly love them, incredibly much so, but as I'm no Native, writing in English isn't easy. But I could not *not* wrtite this one here, so who knows? :)
lawgoddess
Nov. 30th, 2011 11:04 pm (UTC)
Lots of emotion here- great job!

Thanks for participating in the challenge. :)
tracionn
Dec. 1st, 2011 05:52 am (UTC)
*smiles brightly* Thank you!!
It was a lot of work, especially for my fabulous beta, but I'm very very glad I could contribute something!
Love the boys.
ennisjackdean
Dec. 5th, 2011 09:27 am (UTC)
I feel so bad often that Jack was so caught up in words.
Your story reminds us if Jack had only really looked closer
I believe Ennis said I Love You. More than once.
tracionn
Dec. 5th, 2011 09:51 am (UTC)
Oh I'm sure Jack knew how Ennis felt and felt for him! That's why I included the line
and he’s never heard Ennis say it, although he knows that Ennis might have said it a thousand times over, he just hasn’t used the words for it.

Jack loves Ennis and understands him like no other, I have no doubt about that. Twenty years and no quitting is proof enough of that and you can see in Jack's eyes and in his acts that Ennis is the love of his life.
And Ennis knows that, too.

Thank you for reading!!
hsv_fangirl
Jan. 12th, 2012 01:28 am (UTC)
Lovely! I haven't read BBM in a long time.
tracionn
Jan. 12th, 2012 08:43 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!! I'm incredibly happy you read - and liked it!!
;hearts: ;hearts: ;hearts:
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )